The Stoics strongly believed that we should be respectful to everyone, no matter who they are or what they’ve done.
It’s a freeing attitude: not only can we refuse to let the malevolent actions of others harm our free will, but we also always maintain the power to love, respect, and help those same people.
Marcus Aurelius had plenty to say on this and reminded himself of his duty to others, even those who had made mistakes or acted badly toward him:
It’s typically human to feel affection even for people who make mistakes. The feeling is a response to the thoughts that they’re your kin, that they’re led astray against their will by their ignorance, that shortly both of you will be dead, and especially that he did you no harm, because he didn’t make your command center worse than it was before.
Meditations 7.22
It may seem simplistic to say that, as Marcus Aurelius believed, we can just choose to be unharmed by the actions of others. And it may feel difficult to remain respectful to those who have spoken ill of you. Drawing inspiration from Epictetus, however, these short pieces of advice will help you maintain a respectful attitude, and, perhaps most importantly, give you greater peace of mind:
- Whenever anyone criticizes or wrongs you, remember that they are only doing or saying what they think is right.
- They cannot be guided by your views, only their own; so if their views are wrong, they are the ones who suffer insofar as they are misguided.
- If someone declares a true proposition to be false, the proposition is unaffected, it is they who come off worse for having their ignorance exposed.
- With these things in mind you will treat your critic with more compassion. Say to yourself each time, ‘He did what he believed was right.’
Hanlon’s razor is a saying that reads: “Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.” In other words, people often do things out of ignorance or insufficient consideration as opposed to having bad intentions.
Applying this explanation to the actions of others often makes it easier to continue being respectful to them. People have their own motivations for the decisions they make, they usually do what they think is right based on the information available to them.
Also, remember that those who try to use their “status” as leverage to demean you can’t harm you or what you know about yourself. As Epictetus said, status symbols do not define you, your character defines you:
The following are non-sequiturs: ‘I am richer, therefore superior to you’; or ‘I am a better speaker, therefore a better person than you.’ These statements, on the other hand, are cogent: ‘I am richer than you, therefore my wealth is superior to yours’; and ‘I am a better speaker, therefore my dictation is better than yours.’ But you are neither wealth nor diction.
So, if someone is doing something wrong today, try to be patient and show them a better way. If you can’t do that then at least bear with them as you’re in the same boat.
Like Marcus Aurelius, embrace the responsibility of helping people rather than punishing them for their faults. Can you honestly say you haven’t done the same or worse than them?
Each day you will come into contact with people of different personalities, different backgrounds, and different beliefs.
One of the most difficult social responses to practice with your fellow humans on a daily basis is to bear with, and where possible help, those you perceive as being inconsiderate or rude.
But good people can experience negative moods. Good people can be going through difficult situations you know nothing about. Anyone can be fighting an internal battle that they’ve allowed to impact their external interactions.
For reasons known only to them, people may be ungrateful, unsocial, or even malicious towards you.
It’s possible to tolerate these people, however, if you choose not to be harmed by them. You don’t need to be angry with them or hate them. What they’re projecting onto you is probably saying more about their frustrations with their own life than with you.
For better or worse, they are doing their best with what they know. They may be experiencing emotions that they simply don’t know how to process in a healthy way.
Your job is to ensure that they don’t infect you with their actions by accepting their energy, defusing it, and refusing to propagate it further into the world.
That may sound somewhat abstract but in practical terms, it means not meeting frustration with frustration. It means being kind not only to the person who took their struggles out on you but also to the next person you meet, rather than spreading mental tension onto others.
Seneca’s simple rule was to treat every person as an opportunity for kindness. We are here for the sake and support of one another. A small act can ripple outwards and have a big impact. Whether that impact is good or bad depends on how you react when it’s your turn to nudge the ripple onward.
Helped people help people. That person who is fighting an internal battle and is taking it out on the world? Show them kindness and you might just turn their day around. You’ll also save more people from being dragged into that battle.
